Forgiveness Part IV
I had a dream 06/18/2014 and in this dream I had killed someone by stabbing them to death. Believe me, this is so out of character for me I could not even fathom doing such a thing in real life. Nevertheless in this dream that is exactly what I had done. I had this dream twice and am not sure whether or not it was shown to me twice in the same night or on different nights. As I said in the dream I had killed someone and tried hiding the body under a roll away bed that I used to sleep on when I lived at home with my parents, in fact, it was at my parents home that this happened in the dream. I remember doing all that I could to conceal the body being that if someone had found the body, my life would be over and my career would be ruined. I was extremely upset, more than I ever remember being in a dream, about the fact that I had actually killed someone. I just could not believe that I had actually killed someone. I remember checking on the roll away sofa where I had hidden the body just to make sure that it was still there , terrified that the body would be discovered. Again, this is so out of character for me it is unbelievable. As I said before I was more upset than I can ever remember being in a dream. I could not bring myself to believe that I had actually killed someone and I remember asking the Lord to show me who it was that I had murdered and then I was even more shocked to see that the individual that I had murdered was myself. I remember not even being able to look at my face I had so much hatred. Hatred for another person is described as murder in the Bible and self-hatred is self murder. So I had essentially murdered someone made in the image of God.
I said this in a previous posting that it is a fallacy that time heals all wounds. It merely covers them and puts them out of view but they are still very much there. In this case, it was my childhood that came into play. I was a victim of bullying almost all of my grade school years. I was called names, picked on, etc. by both classmates and teachers. It is very painful reliving some childhood memories but I am walking through them now with the Lord and it is the process to being healed.
One may never think that this can take root in an individual but, take it from me, it does. I developed a hatred for myself over a number of years culminating in the murder of myself by myself that I saw in my dreams. Being that it happened at my parents house, a place where I haven’t lived for many many years, tells me that I have been “dead” for a long time. I believe that this is another piece of the puzzle that the Lord is putting together in restoring me to a whole person.
Forgiving others is sometimes a difficult thing to do, however, when it comes to forgiving yourself it seems downright impossible to do. And so I have another piece of the puzzle that the Lord is completing in my life.